Dead Man Talkin'
By Rasslin' Mike [ autophobian@hotmail.com ]

Heylo, and welcome back, finally, to another edition of Dead Man Talkin'. First of all, infinite apologies to those people out there who read this thing. It's been a while (4 weeks approximately) since an update, and a columnist who doesn't doesn't update for that long really shouldn't be a columnist. My only excuse is my incompetent ability to balance college, work, and this column.

Anywhoo, it's been an odd four weeks since before this update. We're almost upon Survivor Series, and things are heating up like a barbecue. Speaking of barbecue, I'd like to start off by discussing the Big Red Machine, Kane, because without a doubt, he has been a constant performer in the past couple of months.

In my inaugral column, I frowned upon the unmasking of Kane; not only, I said, would it lower Kane's character, but it would destroy a part of wrestling parephenalia and mystique that has become part of history.

I was wrong. Amidst all that e-mail that bluntly stated my mistake, I realized that demasking Kane was the smartest move the writers could of done. Now, I'm not going to spend another column discussing an issue of two months ago, but it's relative to state that Kane, with or without his mask, is the forte of the WWE.

His recent PPV match with Shane McMahon is another for the books because it was a revelation. Not only was the Kane of fire, hell and brimstone back in action, but he was a stronger, more demonic Kane. It was a testament to something other than a Last Standing Match, and a testament to more than just the hardcoreness (albeit plasticized) of the WWE.

It was a testament to Kane himself; and a testament to a guy who can portray a walking monster for six years with a sweaty, stinking mask, and then take it off amidst ratings bomb to get a raise from the crowd. But what emerged? Not the whiny wimp that I thought was coming, but a chilling picture that Kane doesn't need a mask to be the big fucking thing he is.

So, again, apologies for ignoring that wrestling takes more than just a costume and boob job. It actually takes a great deal of...acting, insofar as that person can actually act. Someone telephone Rosie right away.

In other news, it's been "spoiled" that Paul Heyman is returning to Smackdown this Thursday night. That's right - the ECW helmer and creator is back, and it looks like Samckdown is about to get better. No offense, but I simply didn't have $30 to order No Mercy, or to see that awful Vince and Stephanie match. The card was simplistic, but I felt the writers could of done a little better sprucing up the action.

Back when the Invasion angle was (gulp) good, Heyman was the "lead supporting" character. He was the one I watched for, because his prescense was remarkable. Just like Kane, he held your face to the screen with an evil grasp and energetic persona not seen since the Rock. Heyman is the quintessesential superstar; the mad scientist Vince is now tryng to be, but not coming anywhere close to portraying.

And that's why ECW did as well as it did. Don't get me wrong; there were your Van Dams and Lynns, Credibles and Storms, Dudleys and Dreamers, but you only had one Heyman. And yes, there were your budget problems, your backstage brouhahas, and your regular controversy, but none of it would of been possible without Heyman.

In fact, you could make the causal correlation that Heyman is as much of a genius as McMahon. They both dug from the ground, getting their hands dirty in scandals, money, and the one thing that got them to where they got to: pure, exciting wrestling. It's sort of like a dysfunctional fairy tale, except that McMahon had a bigger budget and a bigger world to deal with. Heyman turned ECW into a montage of blood and glory; McMahon turned WWE into a montage of blood, glory, and sports entertainment.

If you feel like it, e-mail me and agree or disagree with whether or you can compare McMahon to Heyman, and I'll include some comments in the next column. It is safe to say though that each man has produced and promoted a legacy that's going to be part of wrestling history.

And so Heyman is returning once again from the ashes. Like him or hate him, he's a force to be reckoned with, and Smackdown needs what he's got. Frankly, their angles with Lesnar and the 'Taker colliding, Vince and Steph colliding, and just about anything else is starting to be a bore (Excluding the cruiserweight division which continues to impress regardless of the critique of it).

A while back, I asked you for your "3 month" predictions. I tried a theory in which the WWE's downfall in ratings could be sliced into 3 month intervals, and then I gave predictions on what would be happening in 3 months in the WWE. My predictions seem right now to be shot to hell, so let's focus in on what you wrote:

"WWE will pretty much be the same, unless this happens: NWA;TNA gets a cable deal...the fans like it...WWE goes to ratings hell!!" - Dakota

(It does seem possible, although probably not nationally in three months)

"Goldberg and Kane will feud for the World Title...while Evolution will consist of Orton, Flair, and Maven. The heel turn is coming and all the signs point to him joining Evolution. HHH will be out of action honeymooning with Steph...who will have stepped down as GM. That leaves Evolution to feud with Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash...and Chris Jericho. The face turn is on the way...but first a couple matches to bring credibility to the Intercontinental belt, which RVD will carry at Christmas time, while we will probably see the Dudleyz battling Playaz Inc. (Mack & Mark Henry for the tag belts). There is also the inevitable turn in the Goldust/Storm relationship...though it would be a nice twist if it was Goldie that went bad here. The only thing I pray is that Test or Steiner get dealt to SmackDown to end that ridiculous angle, and that Sean O'Haire comes to RAW...but that's a pipe dream." -Jay

"I see a lot of stuff happening, but it's still going to headed downhill. If the WWE wants bigger ratings, it needs bigger superstars...and NOT old, wrinkled ones from WCW!!" - Shannon

"Here's my 3 months: Goldberg's up, HHH's down, Book's up, Van Dam's up, Test's down, Vince's down, and the rest of 'em are stuck in the proverbial backseat of their careers, being steered nowhere." - Jon

A lot of these predictions seem to be on the mark, but we'll see what happens. Until next time (which will be on time!), thanks for reading "Dead Man Talkin.'"

Email me at autophobian@hotmail.com

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